


Then You Burn

by peachesandass



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, tw // anorexia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-13 02:06:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5690461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachesandass/pseuds/peachesandass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was shaking.</p><p>He couldn't stop.</p><p>He didn't know if he wanted to get better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then You Burn

**Author's Note:**

> AU in which the war is still going on, and Simon didn't loose his magic, and they're back at Watford. This is happening after Christmas break has ended. Post chapter 61

Fiona was right.

He couldn't believe he let himself get kidnapped by  _fucking numpties_

He's a Pitch. _Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch for fucks sake._ He should be strong, brave, indifferent; not a fucking vampire, or gay for that matter.

His mother would hate him; she probably does. She's probably watching him right now, wishing he was dead almost as much as he wished it himself.

A Pitch, hunched over with his head in his hands, fixed against a cold, hard wall in his bathroom. 

 

He's gotten much skinnier, too. 

_"You really should eat, Baz."   "What are you, anorexic?"   "When was the last time you ate?"   "Are you okay? You look sick, Baz, you should eat something."_

He wanted to. He wanted to eat so badly.

He hadn't fed or ate normal food all day. 

_What time is it?  Oh, 4:27 AM. Perfect. I wasn't going to go to classes anyway._

His stomach was screaming at him. His throat was dry and his arms and legs were weak. His hands shook as he ran his fingers through his unwashed hair. 

_When did I last wash it? Tuesday? Wait, what's today?  Is it Monday?_

He needed to eat. He wanted his weight, his muscles, his stiff posture back. He wished he could eat but every time he did he felt sick.

The hunger he feels every day starts as an empty sensation and turns into a gnawing burn. His throat becomes dry and his chest feels like its on fire. Nausea never ends.

(Luckily, Snow keeps his necklace on or else Baz may have killed him by now.)

He almost gets joy out of torturing himself by not eating or feeding.

He feels like he deserves the pain he experiences from it.

_"Are you anorexic?"_

 

Baz tightened his grip on his hair and slid down to the floor. 

He was shaking.

He couldn't stop.

He didn't know if he wanted to get better. 

He deserved to feel like shit. He deserved to be hated by his family, his boyfriend, his own mother. Baz deserved the pain.

He hadn't fed in so long that he couldn't even control his own fucking fangs. 

He thought he at least had control over something.

Letting the cold of the floor soak into his skin, he wrapped his arms around his ribs and fell onto his side. It burned.

A hot tear rolled down his cheek and landed on the freezing floor. 

_Don't cry._ _You're so fucking weak. I can't believe you're crying. You're a fucking Pitch. Your father didn't raise you this way._

He bit down on his bottom lip, sinking his sharp teeth into his flesh to silence his crying.

Baz's tears mixed with his blood on the bathroom floor.

He couldn't stop himself from letting out a sharp gasp as he removed his teeth from his lip, causing an excruciating pain.

_You don't deserve to live. You're not even alive. You're already dead; fucking vampire._

Baz let out a louder sob, not caring if his boyfriend heard him.

He was shaking. He couldn't stop.

He deserved it.

 

Simon woke up suddenly, noticing that Baz wasn't in his bed again.

_He's fine. He's probably feeding._

As Simon was turning around in his bed, he heard someone crying in the bathroom.

The only person who could be in there is Baz. But Baz wouldn't be crying, right?

Simon stumbled out of his bed, shuffling around until he found a pair of socks to slip on. 

Why is it so cold in this fucking room?

He heard another sharp breath from the bathroom and slowly walked towards the door. He tried to turn the knob, but it was locked.

Instead, he tapped his knuckles against the old door until he got a response from Baz.

"What?" Baz asked. But it wasn't said in his normal bitter tone. I was wet, muffled, and tired. Baz spoke so softly Simon could hardly hear him through the door.

"Baz." Simon spoke hesitantly.

Baz let out a shaky breath. 

"Baz, can I please come in?"

"No."

"Baz."

Simon didn't get a response this time.

"Love, please let me in."

Simon waited.

"You can't- can't just kiss me better this time."

Baz's response came out muffled, like he didn't want Simon to hear him.

"Basilton, that is not what I'm trying to do. I want to know what's wrong. I want to help."

Simon sat against the door and listened to Baz's quick, shaky breaths.

"I'm coming in, is that okay?"

Baz didn't respond, so Simon assumed he nodded.

He spelled the door opened and held his breath when he saw Baz curled up on the floor, a puddle of blood and tears near his cheek.

"Love, no no no no no, Baz, please no" 

Baz only groaned, clutching his sides harder as if he was trying to tear his skin apart.

Simon slid down to the cold floor beside his boyfriend. He knew he had tried to kill himself before, but Simon thought he had helped him feel less suicidal.

He seemed happy. He looked fine. Maybe Simon wasn't paying close enough attention.

Now his face was covered in dark blood and tears. Simon couldn't believe he hadn't realize how much color Baz had lost.

Simon ran his hand over Baz's cheek and the other boy didn't even flinch. He made no attempt to move, hide himself, or even tell Simon that he was fine and to leave him alone.

Baz's sobs got louder and he curled his legs tighter. 

Simon watched Baz's fingers twitch and observed the grimace that spread across his face. 

There was no life left in his beautiful eyes. What happened? How had Simon not realized the state Baz was in?

 

"Baz, what're you trying to do?"

Baz ignored his boyfriend.

"Baz. Stop."

Baz bit his lip again and gasped as a spark danced across his palm. 

"Baz." Simon whispered. He removed his hand from Baz's face and instead grabbed his wrists, unraveling Baz's arms. Another spark.

"No, no no no no nonononostoppleasebaz."

Baz sunk his teeth farther into his lip. A small flame appeared but quickly disappeared. Baz didn't have enough strength to create a big enough flame.

Simon, with tears falling down his cheeks, dropped Baz's wrists and wrapped his arms around his body. 

Simon could barely lift Baz, but eventually he was able to drag his boyfriend into their bathtub. Baz was too focused on the fire growing in his hands to notice.

He spelled the bathtub on, quickly filling it with warm water. 

Simon gripped Baz's hands, burning his own palms.

"Baz, please..." Simon sobbed. Baz's crying became louder when his fire was extinguished.

He pushed Baz's hands under the warm water with his own. He softly stroked Baz's cheek and rubbed the blood off his lips.

Baz didn't speak. He had no energy left. He couldn't move.

 

Simon slowly removed Baz's shirt and poured water over his chest.

He removed his own clothing and sat in front of Baz in the bath.

He pressed soft kisses against Baz's eyelids, his nose, he cheeks, and his neck.

"Please, Baz."

"Baz."

"I love you."

Baz was shaking. Simon couldn't stop him.

**Author's Note:**

> I just kinda needed to write about this shit so I did.
> 
> Also please comment any criticism or anything else you want to tell me!
> 
> Here's my snowbaz playlist if you would like to listen to it  
> http://8tracks.com/stilinskiandahalf/hopelessly-in-love


End file.
